Nyx Book Reviews

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On Silence and Stress

I originally wrote this post on Irresponsible Cactus, but decided to cross-post it here as well.

It has been over a month since I last blogged on Nyx Book Reviews. It has been over two since I last blogged on Irresponsible Cactus. One day I was here, and the next, I disappeared. Or at least, my digital presence did. I turned silent, and that silence has been pressing on me since.

I love blogging. I love reaching out with my words and my mind and to create a little slice of me that others can read and relate to. I love to entertain you, I love to interact on Twitter and meeting new people and chatting with the familiar ones. Blogging and writing have been a huge part of my life in the last six years and I would not have it any other way.

But the truth is, dear reader, that I can’t at the moment. And that makes me feel like a failure in some ways. Why can’t I just open that browser and put some words down? Even if I can’t do it every week, why not at least a few times a month? Why can’t I answer comments and post tweets, or, what weighs even more on me, answer the letters some lovely bookish friends sent me? I’ve done it before. I’ve done it for years. Why can’t I just do it now?

I can pinpoint some key moments where I started to realize that no, I was not well. I was not dealing with the stress. I was not handling it. I was not fine.

So I culled down on anything that wasn’t completely essential in my life and faced the issues that I had been suppressing, in some cases, for multiple years. Though I’m glad I did it, these last few months have been absolutely terrible. All energy I have goes into setting things right both in my mind and my life, and in trying to keep up with school. Even the smallest tasks beyond that are out of my reach. I’ve had days in which I just sat on the couch for six hours straight, doing nothing and feeling overwhelmed. Hell, I still can’t bring myself to do the dishes, even though it’s so easy and takes so little work but even that small household task feels like it’s too much. Everything takes energy, and I have none left.

On some days I feel better, and on some I slip backwards. I’ve made many changes, and one of the most important ones is that I no longer want to lie and pretend I’m doing just fine, thank you. People can’t help you if you’re not honest. I can’t help myself if I’m not honest.

So I’m here today, dear readers, to break through that silence I’ve maintained here and on my other blog. Though generally because I simply couldn’t write, it was also an embarrassed silence. It was easier to disappear than to give a reason why.

I’m here to tell you today that I’m not fine, and that’s okay.

I’m working on it.

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  • Gill

    Well done on sharing this most personal and difficult situation. It’s all too easy to hide behind the perfect persona we see on blogs. I hope you start to turn the corner soon and I’m sure your dedicated readers will be here waiting for you. Take your time, do what feels right and look after yourself.

  • http://www.spajonas.com/ S. J. Pajonas

    Hugs. Dealing with stress is not easy and can be very depressing and soul-sucking. Definitely cut back on all the non-essential things until you can get through school and see the light on the other side. When I was in college, I hyperventilated every day. Like I was in a constant state of hyperventilation and I had no idea what was wrong with me. I couldn’t breathe! I remember a doctor rolling his eyes at me and handing me a paper bag. “Breathe into this every time you feel that way.” Ugh. That’s what stress can do to you, and this is why I’ll never go back to school either. Hugs. You’ll get through it.

  • http://www.lunar-rainbows.com/ Micheline

    Oh man, reading your feelings here took me back to when I was struggling with similar issues, both during uni and afterwards. I know what you mean: it’s brutal facing things that have been lingering for months or even years. I will tell you that as clichéd as it might sounds: IT WILL get better. Once you felt everything, processed it and dealt with it as best you can, you will begin to have better days again…more and more. I know it can’t be helped, but I want you to know that you don’t need to be embarrassed by your silence. You don’t owe anyone, anything! Take care of you Celine and then you can focus on other things! I’ve often told you I admire you for keeping up blogging while in Uni, well I admire you all the same now, especially for voicing what you have in this post. BIG HUGS ♥

  • Bea @ Bea’s Book Nook

    Oh boy, I can relate to so much of this. You’ve been missed but you need to take care of yourself. Stress and depression are so draining and can leave you feeling like you can’t do anything nor do you want to. If blogging is adding to that, then drop blogging. You can always come back. Most important is to take care of yourself.